everything seems screwed up, my dad made me cry while lecturing about my eating habits, i am sick of trying to convince everyone that i dont have an ed.... i am broke beyond imagination and that stresses me out to no end, school started and its going to be harder than i hoped, between working full time and going to school full time i dont know how i am going to make it.  my family pretty much hates the guy i like, then again he lives in another state so i could care less right now
sorry for being negative but do you ever have days when nothing seems to be going the way it should, as if you worked so hard to have everything in order but it seems to be blowing up in your face.  i want to work out, that always seems to make me feel better but all i do is sit at work all day, get in the car, drive to school and sit some more. i have no time to work out and it drives me nuts
i dropped my phone in the lake and got a new one, the new phone sucks so bad, i am taking it back today but my account is so overdrawn that i wont get to enjoy any money i get back.... i dont even want to hang out with my friends because i am broke and i refuse to have fun on their money... one good thing out of this whole situation is that i dont have the money to go out to eat or buy food, but even that doesnt make me happty, i cant see any progress - all i see in the mirror is the same fat me and it makes things worse when people start asking me about eating because i lost weight... sometimes i want to scream "are you blind, i loook the same no matter what i do, how can you say that?"  i know i should be happy when people tell me that i look thinner but in stead i feel miserable because i dont see it
i started eating more because sometimes i just dont know what to do..... i miss you all and it sucks that i feel the way i do

good morning everyone,
i am doing well when it comes to food but my family life is falling apart, which is why i have absolutely no apetite.  it seems that nothing is going right, i got an ed talk a few days ago from my fam.... on top of that it seems that no ones happy these days, things are just going down hill and honestly as much as i hate to admit it, its taking a toll on me, i cant wait to finish this year of college so i could move out and have my own place... i cant wait for school to start again so i wouldnt have to come home till late, i know its horrible, i love them all to death but sometimes i just wish i would be at school and not have to watch everything falling apart... i guess what buggs me the most is the fact that i cant do anything about it, not the fact that i cant avoid it
on top of everything a friend of mine is coming to visit and my fam is not a big fan of that, if thats not enough i have a family thing this weekend and he has to come with, which means he is going to meet everyone and my family is huge.... my grandma told me she doesnt want him to come with... its so messed up its funny in a way.... when things start getting complicated and odd i get an erge to laugh
i am just thankful that you are here and even if no one reads this thing it still helps to get it out

love ya

good morning everyone,
i am finally back from my trip to germany and it was awesome, i had a blast and i finally got to see my sister and her bf.  i ate like crazy i do admit to that, i know i should sound so ok with, which i am not and please dont think that i dont care and i just rub it in your face.... i am back home and i am definetly back on track, i just figured that hey i havent seen my sis in 6 years i'll eat and forget about it, but i went to the gym every other day so i am proud of that
just wanted to say hi to everyone and that i missed you guys
cant wait to get back on track and keep going
i hope everyone had fun or at least did something interesting this summer
love ya

i came on this morning and i see all of these posts about shutting down this community... first of if it was a prank i hope whoever whote this will get hit on the head a few times, second of all i hope that that person will get to read everything we write about this matter
it seems to me that only a person without ed could ever think of shutting down this community, it seems only a weak person can do that.  but i wonder what in the hell made you think that we wont find anything way to keep in touch?  if you shut down this community we will start another one, so many of the that you will get sick of trying to shut them down.  more importantly are you that ignorant or stupid that you have absolutely no idea what it will do to those who sign on here first thing after they wake up?  some will commit suicide I am sure and do you want to be responsible for it?  do me a favor and sit down and think for a second what shutting down this community will do.  its a support network that cannot be broken, we will find a way to keep in touch, meaning that you will never succeed but make more damage.  dont mess with something you dont understand or a part of!!!!!! since when did it become wrong to be different, since when did the land of the free become a cloning industry?  
i understand that there are huge risks involved with eds, but dont you think we know that better than anyone?  we live with it day to day, we have either seen, heard or experienced what it can do to you, it can kill and we know that.  but guess what it is not a choice we can make, we cant just wake up one day and go "oh i think i'll dtop with the ed and be normal" as if.  it is not a choice but a way of life, it invades out thoughts, dreams and everything that is surrounding us
so do us all a favor get a life, lose weight if you have to have to, and stop messing with something you have no right or business to mess with.

good morning everyone,
i am in a good mood today due to the fact that the countdown to my leaving for germany is getting closer and closer... 4 days, more inportantly in 4 days i will be out of sight from my family who wont try to stuff me with food all the time, i can lose weight and be happy with who i am and how i eat.  i confess i tried to put ana out of my mind for a while, i know its bad and i hated mysef for it, i ate and ate and ate to make my family stop talking and then say there and hated myself for being weak and fat.  i went head forward with packing and working to take my mind off of how badly i am doing but not in 4 days, in 4 days i will feel free and like myself for whole 10 days, i know i'll lose and i will be happy, i cant weight to find out how little i can eat and how much i can lose, its not a number game with me anymore is a how i see myself in a mirror, i am sure i will weigh myself while i am there but at least i dont have to look over my shoulder and feel like i am binging all the time and try to act if it its not a problem at all.  best of all i will stop beating myself up and be friends with ana once again... thank God for germany.....
hope you are all doing well and woke up feeling happy, its a new day and goals dont seem so impossible :)

i feel as if i am unworthy to post things and try to say something these past few days, my family is making me eat and i see no progress at wll, they say i am losing weight but i just dont see it, i am still as fat and ugly as ever, i dont want anyone to look at me because i cant even look at myself.  i am going to europe in 6 days and i should be happy and i am but the fact that i am still fat isnt helping, instead its overshadowing anything and everything that should make me happy.  i feel like a failure, i know what i want to look like but it seems that everything is preventing me from achieving my goals..... and it makes me mad and disapointed in myself, how could i let this happen?  i have no control....

good morning everyone, sorry i havent posted in a while, the matter of truth is that not much has changed... i am still watched when it comes to eating and working out, sometimes i cant stand to be home, i cant wait to go on vocation have no one question my eating habits and love of working out.... i hope everyone is doing good and reaching their goals, i can see my collar bones more than before which makes me happy, hopefully it will be more appearant with chest and hip bones
i also want to thank you all, i think about you everyday day and try to read everything everyone writes, even if i dont post anything, it helps a lot to know that you are here :)

yesterday went down the drain, it seems that every two or three days it happens, i had to binge of course and i was doing so good, i just started to be happy with how i was doing and then i had to go and do that....blahhhhhh
but i am trying not to beat myself up about it, all i had today was an apple and two cups of coffee. i am sure i'll have more coffee but i'll try to have little of anything of else.  i went swimming in my pool last night with the girls and when i put my bathing suite on i almost started crying and didnt go.... gosh am i a fat ass.  i have been avoiding scales and mirrors for a while now, seems like always i take a glimps once in a while but just to check that i have nothing in my teeth.... but i refuse to give up, its something that takes time and i just take one day at a time, too much for me to think about yesterday or tomorrow
hope everyone is doing great today...miss you all

Good Morning everyone,
I am at work and I just a chance to actually get on here and be inspired by everyone.  I dont know what I would do without you guys, every time i think of eating something like chocolate i think of you.  even if i dont post anything i always get on here to read what everyone has to say, it definetly makes me feel better because i dont feel like i am the only one.... i love you guys
on another note, yesterday went well went swimming and plaid tennis... i was hungry when i got home but all i had was a couple tomatoes and then went to play tennis, my stomach demamded food when i was going to bed but all i did was feel good about not eating and did some crunches... sounds messed up if you dont ahve the same thing going.  i think thats why i dont want anyone in my family to know that i have an ed because to normal people that sounds sick or messed up, but i dont care :)
hope you all are doing great, i am going to europe in a couple of weeks and i cant wait, even when my scale seems to be stuck at the same number forever i still do what i do and simply decided not to let numbers control my moods, i just hope that i am losing

this weekend was horrible, i ate and ate and ate, i was sick of food yet i couldnt stop myself, anything i could get my hands on i ate....grrr and the i cant go to the bathroom for the last two days dont know why, i ate a ton of veggies yet it didnt help
i hear about people talking of laxatives.... which ones are you guys using and what do they do, please give me some tips and info about them i would like to try them, i had some but for some reason they dont do anything, either i have the wrong kind or they just suck
thanks and i hope everyone did better this weekend then i
ps i am also stuck at 135... i am huge and fat, i cant even look at myself and then i binged, i had the worst binge ever....i have to do something about it to shut up ana in my head....help